saulrosenbaum.com / 2003

[originally posted 10.12.03]

[rescued from the wayback archive 1.19.08]

I want to start this entry by apologizing [in advance] if you’re of strong religious background , maybe some nice porn will offend you less [thanks for coming though]

Halloween approaches, a time for powerpuff girls, and snickers bars, at least I thought so, seems a church not 3 minutes from my house has other plans, see the only thing THEY know about halloween is that it’s a pagan holiday, and therefore assuming christ wouldn’t have approved [flashback to the first Halloween: Christ knocking on doors, pillowcase in hand looking for jugs of water to bring to the kegger down by the sphinx] Now I don’t dislike this church solely for there stand against individually sized milky way bars, no I have two other reasons to dislike them; reason one; they have a Starbucks IN THE CHURCH, I’m absolutely not exaggerating this at all reason two; The bathrooms in the beforementioned Starbucks are open to customers only [no you don’t have to be a parishioner, but you do have to at least buy a cookie, if you have to use the bathroom] so much for christian charity.

So I’ve been a Starbuck customer a few times [hey sometimes you have to go], the few time I’ve been there, I’ve made it a point to ‘test’ the boundries a bit. It seem comments like “jesus, that coffee’s hot” and “god damn that cake is delicious” are perfectly fine within ‘gods’ beanery, but try to walk with your coffee [or soy lattee chia in my case] into the chapel, well, let’s just say the monsignor has no sense of humor.

me: hey there father, how’s god today?

the collar: ummm yeah, you can’t bring that beverage into the church.

me: but I bought it here, did I miss a sign?

the collar: son, this is house of worship, a place of faith, we ask that all beverages stay in the coffee shop

me: father, when you say ‘WE’ does that include god?

the collar: I guess in a manner of speaking it does

me: so GOD is asking me to drink my coffee in the Starbucks?

[silence… at this point I was glad I was wearing sneakers, because I fully expected a lightning bolt to roast my beans on the spot]

the collar: I don’t really appreciate your attitude or your tone [jesus christ I’ve pissed off a priest, I thought forgiveness was in the job description]

me: I certainly don’t want to piss you off

the collar: is the vulgarity really necessary? this is a church after all

me: [looking around] father, we’re all alone here, are you seriously telling me your offended by the word ‘piss’?

the collar: We’re not alone here, we’re never alone anywhere [I cut him off at this point]

[we’d reached a line even I wasn’t willing to cross, I’ll not fuck with the dude’s beliefs, if he want to believe that god is truly a holy spirit within the church walls, and that god is the breeze blowing through the trees, well then, who am I to say he isn’t] I mean I only went in to use the bathroom anyhow. As I walked away he screamed after me “BLESS YOU!” … darn, I was positive that wasn’t the verb he was going to use.

So anyway, I think I, going back for Halloween, maybe dressed as the Pope [stay tuned for part 2: ‘what no candy?’]

Most people who know me now, didn’t know me ten years ago, but believe me when I tell you I was one of the evilest motherfuckers that ever lived [‘T’ will back me up on this] I would pick a fight just to hear you scream, and then laugh in your face. But those days are long gone, I’ve embraced the ‘zen’ of life and now very little bothers me [except having to rewire home theater systems]

Occasionally I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and a bit of the old saul peeks through, I usually lock myself in my studio on those days [like today] and I play music very loud.
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While en-route to a speaking engagement this morning I noticed a dark blue Buick on the road in front of me, this in itself is hardly unusual, but the myriad of bouncy-headed bobbling figures in the back window was a bid unnerving, all giving me an unappreciated affirmation to a question as of yet unasked, Read More »

I’m the first person to admit I have a massively addictive personality, my chosen monkeys are caffiene [preferably cold] and chocolate [in any form I can get it] and with my two personal vices I could pretty much exist, yes you’ve heard it here first.. I could EXIST on nothing but diet coke and Hershey’s Chocolate bars [cause this boy doesn’t care for the nuts or nougats of fancy candy]. Careful readers may have noticed the past tense in that statement, sadly nowdays although the spirit is willing the physical implications of a carbonated wonka existence just isn’t wise [flash forward to my doctor pointing to 15 undigested tootsie roll midgies lodged in my trachea, and a pound of a half of burn brownie edges clogging my arterial wall…ewww don’t flash to that..that’s gross].
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So the local police here in suburbia have no sense of humor, zero, zilch, nada. It’s about 3 a.m. and I find myself at Wawa, desperately in need of caffiene, I sweep in, hit the ATM, grab 2 one liter Diet Cokes and 2 SFRBs and a pantone 388 apple [that’s bright green, if your swatch book isn’t handy]. Just as I was grabbing the apple, ‘I feel good’ by James Brown started playing over the Wawa sound system, now it’s 3 a.m. 90% of the world may be tired, but I just woke up, so I couldn’t help myself, I began to dance, Read More »

Weeee… the new dryer is here, It’s quite a bit fancier than it’s predecessor, it has dials and meters, and this one has a moisture detector, which I assume [hope] makes it burst into flames less. Although I’m not happy that the new dryer cost 500 times more than a length of rope and use of the sun, I am happy that I won’t have to hang my underwear in the street anymore [because to be honest — no one needs to see that] After the delivery guys left..I couldn’t help myself.. I sat on the new dryer, switched it on…it got nice and warm..mmm, and the cats all joined me, we played “Captain Saul and the crew on the H.M.S. Bounty [get it?]” braving the dangerous seas of the Caribbean in search of untold riches… after about 45 minutes, it got boring. The cats convinced me the ‘Bounty’ was actually a submarine, and that the real fun was in diving to the depths of the ocean floor, sadly they said..it was a one person sub, and they could not join me, although the did express a desire for postcards.
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Three weeks ago, at the local Wawa, I discovered that the folks who make Red-Bull, released a sugar-free version. Now I’ve never been a huge Red-Bull fan, but sugar-free Red-Bull sounded like the ‘sirens song’ to me.. so I bought a can.
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