saulrosenbaum.com / Will Power Failure

I’m the first person to admit I have a massively addictive personality, my chosen monkeys are caffiene [preferably cold] and chocolate [in any form I can get it] and with my two personal vices I could pretty much exist, yes you’ve heard it here first.. I could EXIST on nothing but diet coke and Hershey’s Chocolate bars [cause this boy doesn’t care for the nuts or nougats of fancy candy]. Careful readers may have noticed the past tense in that statement, sadly nowdays although the spirit is willing the physical implications of a carbonated wonka existence just isn’t wise [flash forward to my doctor pointing to 15 undigested tootsie roll midgies lodged in my trachea, and a pound of a half of burn brownie edges clogging my arterial wall…ewww don’t flash to that..that’s gross].

So I’ve been cutting back, at least on the chocolate, but today I felt the need to order a chocolate milkshake [‘T’ and I were out for our 15th anniversary, nowhere fancy..but somewhere fancy enough that they made shakes] Now I occasionally have a McShake, but this is the first real shake I’ve ordered in years, even with ‘T’s warning that my frosty dessert was made with milk, I ordered it anyway, and I gleefully sat rubbing my hands together and licking the saliva buildup off my lower lip… soon I would have a thick frosty chocolate shake in front of me, filled to the brim, with Hershey Pennsylvania’s finest export..

When my shake arrived, it wasn’t at all what I’d hoped, for starters it wasn’t dark brown, or even tan it was more Halle Berry Gold, or at least Rae Dawn Chong Orange, but I wasn’t in the mood to send it back, so I sucked it down, which wasn’t even mildly aerobic because it wasn’t thick, lets review, not chocolately not thick, that’s two strikes, but it did deliver on one regard it was Milk, which if you hadn’t guessed I have a issue with [the severity of my issue is directly proportionate to how much other dairy, I’ve eaten, and if the god-damn milkshake has chocolate in it, if it was chocolately my brain tells my stomach to suck it up and ignore the milk] I suspect my shake was a powdered concoction, perhaps one with a rabbit on the label, long and short of it is it sucked massively..

And my brain and my stomach decided to let me know just how big a mistake I’d made… you would think that it would be impossible to be freezing and hot at the same time, while your stomach tries to vacate your body through your ass, but trust me it’s very doable, all the way home, [and I drove fast] I had my toes curled under applying as much pressure on them, because the pain in my toes felt like a blow job compared to pain in my stomach.. I would have willingly run down 7 children and a singing nun for a nice clean bathroom, and 25 minutes of privacy, but of course on the way home we hit traffic, a ton of traffic, so for 25 minutes I played number games and solved math equations in my head to help me ignore the fact that my insides where planning a mutiny on my dignity, my resolve won out and I made it home, dignity in tact…

I’m now officially removing cheese, milk and ice cream from my life, sigh… I know chocolate has milk in it, and I’m vaguely aware of vegan chocolate courtesy of my galpal dawny [I’m secure enough in my sexuality to use the phrase ‘galpal’ without ending up on the Bravo channel] If your new here.. very heterosexual — but and I have a few artistic tendencies, courtesy of a flawed gene I suppose… what was I talking about .. ah yes chocolate, so I’m open to suggestions on anything dairyesque or chocolateish..