Hot Cup o’ Faith: Part 1
[originally posted 10.12.03]
[rescued from the wayback archive 1.19.08]
I want to start this entry by apologizing [in advance] if you’re of strong religious background , maybe some nice porn will offend you less [thanks for coming though]
Halloween approaches, a time for powerpuff girls, and snickers bars, at least I thought so, seems a church not 3 minutes from my house has other plans, see the only thing THEY know about halloween is that it’s a pagan holiday, and therefore assuming christ wouldn’t have approved [flashback to the first Halloween: Christ knocking on doors, pillowcase in hand looking for jugs of water to bring to the kegger down by the sphinx] Now I don’t dislike this church solely for there stand against individually sized milky way bars, no I have two other reasons to dislike them; reason one; they have a Starbucks IN THE CHURCH, I’m absolutely not exaggerating this at all reason two; The bathrooms in the beforementioned Starbucks are open to customers only [no you don’t have to be a parishioner, but you do have to at least buy a cookie, if you have to use the bathroom] so much for christian charity.
So I’ve been a Starbuck customer a few times [hey sometimes you have to go], the few time I’ve been there, I’ve made it a point to ‘test’ the boundries a bit. It seem comments like “jesus, that coffee’s hot” and “god damn that cake is delicious” are perfectly fine within ‘gods’ beanery, but try to walk with your coffee [or soy lattee chia in my case] into the chapel, well, let’s just say the monsignor has no sense of humor.
me: hey there father, how’s god today?
the collar: ummm yeah, you can’t bring that beverage into the church.
me: but I bought it here, did I miss a sign?
the collar: son, this is house of worship, a place of faith, we ask that all beverages stay in the coffee shop
me: father, when you say ‘WE’ does that include god?
the collar: I guess in a manner of speaking it does
me: so GOD is asking me to drink my coffee in the Starbucks?
[silence… at this point I was glad I was wearing sneakers, because I fully expected a lightning bolt to roast my beans on the spot]
the collar: I don’t really appreciate your attitude or your tone [jesus christ I’ve pissed off a priest, I thought forgiveness was in the job description]
me: I certainly don’t want to piss you off
the collar: is the vulgarity really necessary? this is a church after all
me: [looking around] father, we’re all alone here, are you seriously telling me your offended by the word ‘piss’?
the collar: We’re not alone here, we’re never alone anywhere [I cut him off at this point]
[we’d reached a line even I wasn’t willing to cross, I’ll not fuck with the dude’s beliefs, if he want to believe that god is truly a holy spirit within the church walls, and that god is the breeze blowing through the trees, well then, who am I to say he isn’t] I mean I only went in to use the bathroom anyhow. As I walked away he screamed after me “BLESS YOU!” … darn, I was positive that wasn’t the verb he was going to use.
So anyway, I think I, going back for Halloween, maybe dressed as the Pope [stay tuned for part 2: ‘what no candy?’]