The goggles do nothing…

Well, as I often do, I found myself at IKEA again today, but not my nor­mal IKEA, but a brand spank­ing new one, 6 miles clos­er to my house. It was crowd­ed, I was alone, it was rain­ing, a recipe for dis­as­ter to be cer­tain.

So while shop­ping, I noticed, this was NOT the typ­i­cal ‘flesh’ show that I was used to, 20 some­thing females in inap­pro­pri­at­ly short tight and reveal­ing garb, show­ing off tanned, toned and chis­eled flesh, no this was 30, and some­times 40 somthings show­ing me… Truth be told there are no words for what they where show­ing.

So it got me think­ing, Do these women not own a mir­ror? or per­haps they think they look good? you would think that their tat­too artist would have told them they looked hideous, I men­tion their tatoo artist specif­i­cal­ly because obvi­ous­ly they all have one, he spe­cial­izes in blur­rly and poor­ly designed trib­al and celtic sym­bols, ocas­sion­al­ly on bellys, some­times boobs, but usu­al­ly on the fleshy back fat of 30 some­thing women. Also I’m all for tight cloth­ing… on Clau­dia Shif­fer, Pam Ander­son and Car­men Elec­tra, but Ladies, if your pants are so tight that I can see the label on your under­wear, give your feet a break, and let some blood flow, And for you ladies who insist on wear­ing stretch pants, work­out garb and bik­ing shorts, if I can tell your clit is pierced through your pants, you may want to rethink the ensem­ble a bit…

I have far less issues with boobs, which is good, because it seems every 17 – 25 year old now has d-cups and since it’s been 90° and mug­gy here in philly, Breasts are every­where…, but even they (notice the prop­er use of the plur­al) should have some deco­rum when out and about. If your breasts are fami­lar with your knees, a tank top is a ques­tion­able move, or if your wear­ing a white spaghet­ti strap tank, what pos­s­esed you to wear a neon blue bra?, are you Madon­na? is this 1986? wear­ing a shirt like that I only see two options, if you have nice perky boobs, go bra­less, or wear a strap­less bra, if your breasts are too sub­stan­tial for a strap­less bra, do us all a favor, burn the spaghet­ti strap tank.

Ulti­mate­ly you just have to ask your­self, do I look good in this? Is my ass hang­ing, am I a mess?, do I look like a cheap hook­er? If you have any doubt snap a pic­ture, send it to me, I’ll be noth­ing but hon­est

Love me tender

I’m slow­ly turn­ing into Elvis, even though I’m aware of it, the process seems to be beyond my con­trol, the sim­i­lar­i­ties are, well …sim­i­lar;

Both Elvis and I are male, we both have side­burns (although difer­ent­ly styled), we both have weight issues and are fond of white vel­vet jump­suits and large dia­mond encrust­ed belts with our names on it.(although to be fair although mine does say ‘Elvis’, I don’t recall ever see­ing Elvis wear­ing a ‘Saul’ belt, but who knows real­ly, it may have been one of those things he did in the pri­va­cy of Grace­land).

I know what your think­ing, saul based on that pit­tance of sim­i­lar­i­ties, you could just be turn­ing into an Elvis imper­son­ator, and not actu­al­ly ‘The King’ him­self.. But wait, there’s more, Elvis was very fond of his mam­ma, and although I’ve nev­er actu­al­ly met Mrs. Pres­ley, I feel I too would be par­tial to her… Elvis breathed in oxy­gen, I also breath in oxy­gen (and obvi­ous­ly at a high­er fre­quen­cy than ‘cur­rent’ Elvis), we both exhale car­bon diox­ide.. Star­tling isn’t it…

The sim­i­lar­i­ties are far from over, lat­er in life Elvis con­sumed a steady diet of Val­i­um, Ethi­na­mate, Dilau­did, Demerol, Per­co­dan, Placidyl, Dexedrine, Biphet­a­mine, Amy­tal, Quaalude, Carbri­tal, Cocaine hydrochlo­ride and Rital­in. I LIVE right near a CVS Pharmacy..creepy huh.

I’m not real­ly sure when the trans­for­ma­tion will be com­plete… stay tuned