I want to start this entry by apologizing, in advance, if you’re of strong religious background, maybe some nice porn will offend you less, thanks for coming though
Halloween approaches, a time for powerpuff girls, and snickers bars, at least I thought so, seems a church not 3 minutes from my house has other plans, see the only thing THEY know about halloween is that it’s a pagan holiday, and therefore assuming christ wouldn’t have approved, flashback to the first Halloween: Christ knocking on doors, pillowcase in hand looking for jugs of water to bring to the kegger down by the sphinx
Now I don’t dislike this church solely for there stand against individually sized milky way bars, no I have two other reasons to dislike them; reason one; they have a Starbucks IN THE CHURCH, I’m absolutely not exaggerating this at all reason two; The bathrooms in the beforementioned Starbucks are open to customers only, no you don’t have to be a parishioner, but you do have to at least buy a cookie, if you have to use the bathroom. so much for christian charity.
So I’ve been a Starbuck customer a few times, hey sometimes you have to go, the few time I’ve been there, I’ve made it a point to ‘test’ the boundries a bit. It seems comments like “jesus, that coffee’s hot” and “god damn that cake is delicious” are perfectly fine within ‘gods’ beanery, but try to walk with your coffee, or soy lattee chia in my case, into the chapel, well, let’s just say the monsignor has no sense of humor.
me: hey there father, how’s god today?
the collar: ummm yeah, you can’t bring that beverage into the church.
me: but I bought it here, did I miss a sign?
the collar: son, this is house of worship, a place of faith, we ask that all beverages stay in the coffee shop
me: father, when you say ‘WE’ does that include god?
the collar: I guess in a manner of speaking it does
me: so GOD is asking me to drink my coffee in the Starbucks?, silence… at this point I was glad I was wearing sneakers, because I fully expected a lightning bolt to roast my beans on the spot
the collar: I don’t really appreciate your attitude or your tone, jesus christ I’ve pissed off a priest, I thought forgiveness was in the job description
me: I certainly don’t want to piss you off
the collar: is the vulgarity really necessary? this is a church after all
me: father, we’re all alone here, are you seriously telling me you’re offended by the word ‘piss’?
the collar: We’re not alone here, we’re never alone anywhere [I cut him off at this point, we’d reached a line even I wasn’t willing to cross, I’ll not fuck with the dude’s beliefs, if he want to believe that god is truly a holy spirit within the church walls, and that god is the breeze blowing through the trees, well then, who am I to say he isn’t]
I mean I only went in to use the bathroom anyhow. As I walked away he screamed after me “BLESS YOU!” … darn, I was positive that wasn’t the verb he was going to use.
So anyway, I think I, going back for Halloween, maybe dressed as the Pope, stay tuned for part 2: ‘what no candy?