Daily List for: 1/0./06.15

  • Most days I’m inside out
  • You know you spend a lot of time in some­one else’s house when you have three apps on your phone that con­trol sys­tems you don’t own
  • Dog elbows and human crotch­es are not com­pat­i­ble
  • Lying for the right rea­son still feels like lying
  • I’d rather climb 3 steep hills than go down 1
  • The more I use Com­cast & FIOS TV inter­faces, the more I like my anti­quat­ed Tivos
  • That tri­an­gle is killing us, I blame the Egyp­tians
  • I’m tired of all the stu­pid­i­ty
  • Unsea­soned is the new bland
  • I used to want a Viking funer­al, now I also was a Viking stove… At least I’m con­sis­tent
  • The eas­i­est way to lose my respect is to tell me a poor­ly craft­ed lie, if your gonna do it, do it well

  • Sup­pos­ed­ly you can lay­er Spanx, but you need the assis­tance of unskilled labor

  • I have an issue with for­give­ness, it’s a skill I’ve nev­er actu­al­ly mas­tered, I have a book­case full of grudges

  • It’s the switch­es that seem­ing­ly do noth­ing that you need to be wary of

  • I write every­thing down in invis­i­ble ink
  • 5:30 comes ear­li­er every morn­ing
  • I miss movies that were actu­al­ly fun­ny and under two hours
  • A lev­el is a tool and an action you do with the tool
  • I know I can ask for a cheeses­teak wit, but can I ask for it with­out the roll?
  • Pineap­ple is the armadil­lo of the fruit world
  • A sleep­ing pet on your lap works bet­ter than any anti­de­pres­sant or sleep­ing pill
  • Effort is the new tal­ent